Self-Care Abiding: Warm and wise Ross self-care — Examples- ‘Yes’ . ‘PURE MIND’ . ‘There is’ . ‘fear here’ .. or ‘Yes’ . ‘PURE MIND’ . ‘There is’ . ‘Andrew here’ .. – Please review these abiding phrases and report on what they represent, why they may be helpful, how to practice them, and how to improve on them. I will be meeting my son, Andrew, and I want to protect myself, and this is a new exercise for me in self-care. So the title is ‘Self-Care Abiding.’ ‘Warm and wise ways for Ross’s emotional protection.’ Thank you.

Self-Care Abiding

Warm and Wise Ways for Ross’s Emotional Protection

Ross, these phrases form a strong beginning. My central recommendation is to complete them by bringing Ross, protection, and freedom of choice explicitly into the practice:

Yes.
PURE MIND.
There is fear here.
Ross is here.
And Ross chooses wise protection.

The heart of Self-Care Abiding is:

I do not need to abandon Ross in order to love Andrew.

Self-Care Abiding means remaining faithfully present to your body, feelings, dignity, needs, and boundaries while Andrew is present. It is not primarily abiding in Andrew. It is abiding with Ross in Andrew’s presence.

What each part represents

Phrase Meaning and function
Yes “I acknowledge what is happening.” It is yes to awareness—not approval of Andrew’s behaviour, submission, or permission to mistreat you.
PURE MIND Your established inner refuge: spacious, loving awareness that helps you remember you are more than this fear or encounter.
There is Impersonal recognition. It creates space between Ross and the experience: fear is present, but Ross is not merely fear.
Fear here Honest body-and-heart awareness. “Here” makes the fear local and temporary rather than absolute.
Andrew here Recognition that Andrew is physically present—or that thoughts and feelings about him are present. These two situations should be distinguished.
Ross is here A crucial self-care addition. Andrew’s presence does not require Ross to disappear, submit, over-explain, or neglect himself.
Wise protection The practice becomes action: pausing, setting a boundary, asking for help, or leaving.

Reviewing your two phrases

1. “Yes. PURE MIND. There is fear here.”

This is warm, honest, and well constructed. It neither rejects fear nor identifies Ross completely with it. PURE MIND becomes the larger space in which fear can be recognized.

I would complete it with:

Yes. PURE MIND. There is fear here. And there is a need for protection.

Or, more personally:

Yes. PURE MIND. There is fear here. Ross is here. I may pause or leave.

Fear does not automatically mean danger—but given Andrew’s previous rage and your experience of him standing over you while you were vulnerable, your fear is not something to meditate away. It contains information that deserves respectful attention.

2. “Yes. PURE MIND. There is Andrew here.”

This phrase needs a little clarification.

If Andrew is physically present, the simpler wording is:

Yes. PURE MIND. Andrew is here. Ross is here.

If Andrew is not physically present and is arising in your mind:

Yes. PURE MIND. There are thoughts and feelings about Andrew here.

This distinction prevents an Andrew-thought from being mistaken for Andrew himself. It also prevents Andrew’s physical presence from automatically being interpreted as danger. You can then observe his actual behaviour.

If he begins shouting or intimidating you, name the behaviour rather than merely repeating his name:

There is shouting here.
There is intimidation here.
Ross needs protection.
I am leaving now.

Why this practice may help

Self-Care Abiding may help you:

  • Recognize fear without becoming entirely governed by it.
  • Call upon PURE MIND before reacting automatically.
  • Remain connected to your body and surroundings.
  • Notice Andrew without making his feelings your responsibility.
  • Create a small space in which a wise response can arise.
  • Remember that leaving is not failure—it may be loving self-protection.
  • Care about Andrew without accepting anger, insults, or intimidation.

The purpose is not to make yourself feel peaceful enough to endure mistreatment. Its purpose is to produce warm awareness, clear discernment, and protective action.

How to practise

Before the meeting

While seated somewhere safe, keep your eyes gently open and feel your feet supported.

Repeat slowly:

Yes.
This meeting is approaching.

PURE MIND.
Let awareness become spacious.

There is fear here.
Fear may be felt without shame.

Ross is here.
I will not leave Ross emotionally alone.

And Ross chooses wise protection.

Practise this for three quiet rounds. Do not force calmness. The practice is successful when you become more truthful and more capable of choosing—not merely when fear disappears.

As Andrew arrives

Use:

Andrew is here.
Ross is here.
PURE MIND is here.
I remain free to choose.

Let your eyes remain open. Notice your feet, the nearest exit, the people around you, and Andrew’s actual tone and behaviour.

During the conversation

Use the smallest possible phrase:

PURE MIND. Ross is here.

If activation increases:

There is fear. I may pause.

If Andrew becomes disrespectful:

There is shouting. I will not remain for this.

Do not repeat PURE MIND so intensely that you numb or override a genuine warning. If your body says, “Leave,” Self-Care Abiding may mean leaving.

Afterward

Return to yourself before analysing Andrew:

Yes. There is hurt and tiredness here.
PURE MIND.
May Ross be safely held and understood.

Only after you feel settled might you add:

May Andrew be well. May he become responsible for his actions.

Blessing Andrew should never replace caring for Ross.

Practical emotional and physical protection

Because you have previously felt frightened by Andrew, the inward practice should be paired with an outward plan:

  • Meet in a public, staffed place during the day—not privately in either home.
  • Arrange your own transportation and sit where you can leave easily.
  • Keep the meeting short and focused.
  • Tell a trusted person where you are and arrange a check-in afterward.
  • Keep your phone, keys, and any necessary medication accessible.
  • Do not remain for shouting, insults, threats, looming over you, blocking your path, or aggressive gestures.
  • If you feel unsafe beforehand, you may cancel or change the meeting to written communication.
  • If immediate danger arises, leave without debating and call 911.

Government of Canada guidance for older adults recommends telling someone trustworthy, making realistic plans for increased safety, knowing where you can go, and calling 911 when in danger. It also emphasizes that everyone has the right to be safe and free from harm. Government of Canada: keeping yourself safe from elder abuse

Ontario’s confidential Seniors Safety Line offers emotional support and individualized safety planning to seniors of every gender, 24 hours a day, at 1-866-299-1011. You could call before the meeting simply to talk through your plan. Seniors Safety Line

Warm boundary phrases

Before the conversation:

“Andrew, I want our time together to be peaceful and respectful. If there is yelling, insulting, or intimidation, I will end the visit.”

If his voice rises:

“I am willing to talk, but not while I am being shouted at.”

If pressure continues:

“I am not going to defend or explain myself while we are both upset.”

To pause:

“I need a break now.”

To end:

“This conversation is no longer healthy for me. I am leaving.”

Once you state a boundary, you do not need to persuade Andrew that it is reasonable.

The recommended master practice

Yes.
PURE MIND.
There is fear here.
Andrew is here.
Ross is here.
And Ross chooses wise protection.

And the emergency-sized version:

PURE MIND.
Stay with Ross.
I may leave.

This is the essence of Self-Care Abiding: warmth toward what you feel, clarity about what is happening, and loyalty to Ross’s safety and dignity.

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